Fathers day

Fathers day


Its fathers day today and it has really made me look at my family again; my husband in particular. On mothers day I was a wreck, I literally could barely breathe from crying; the empty feeling that follows me quietly during the day was huge - a physical presence in the room. I could feel it pushing down on me and I just wanted to lie there and let it crush me; I knew it would hit me hard and i'd been building upto it. I couldn't imagine how you could have a mothers day - live through a mothers day when you were empty, and only had a lost child to celebrate with.


I remember my husband being really angry with me for being so distraught; and I kept saying to him "it's my day, it's mothers day - you will have fathers day to behave however you want"


Today is fathers day and the only thing he has asked of me is to not acknowledge fathers day for him at all; he didn't want a card, he didn't want a present. He said "its just another day without him" and has soldiered on with his strength that these days is a major feature of him.


A strong man. I never thought of him as strong; I always thought of myself as the strong one - the one who coped, and soldiered on through everything. Its awful but I never saw my husband as strong - he drank too much, he smoked too much and did things that made me sad. But when Isaac died - I fell apart; and it was him that had to call everyone and organise everything. He has been holding me up ever since; even today I had to sit quietly at the yard and cry, he is a wonderful father - he'd have been so wonderful with Isaac - I know that he'd have been absolutely hopeless with discipline, he would have been firmly wrapped around his finger and he would never have gone without; it would have always been me that had to say "he doesn't need another toy" and be the baddy.


I watch him often when he thinks no one is watching; those quiet moments when he stops and lets the cracks show. Often when he's in the greenhouse or the kitchen - I watch and see the sadness creep onto his face and then he notices me and he's all smiles and hugs; while I cry and he hugs.


I was angry with him for being so strong until I spoke to my friend about it; he sees being strong as his job - that's how he gets through; he didn't just lose his baby, he had to watch his wife lose herself and I couldn't do it well, or dignified - I had to let go completely; I wish I'd been able to do better and protect him from some of the grief I went through,but he saw and still loved me regardless - people all stay that I am strong; to have soldiered through my loss without losing my mind but I don't know that I am strong - I think strength is the Daddy's that have lost little one's, hat not only survive their loss but help their wives through their loss.


I see little things in my mind - Daddy with Isaac sorting breakfast out , i can see him now with isaac in a highchair and Daddy explaining how to cook and what mummy likes to eat; I can hear him crying and Daddy leaping up to go and see what's the matter and I would be saying "he's ok, leave him" and Daddy would be saying "Oh Mummy, he just wanted a huggy"  - It always makes me wistful for what should have been when I think of the bits we miss - I ride my horse without having to negotiate Daddy having Isaac, without rushing up and being very quick.


When you lose a child, you don't just miss your baby - you miss the parenthood that you are missing out on; and that your partner misses out on too. Its not just that when you lose a child though is it? its like dropping a pebble in the pond and watching he ripples spread out - to parents; grandparents, uncles, Aunties, great Aunt's and friends. I miss knowing what Isaac would be doing now; I try not to imagine and as I have no other children I genuinely don't know. I dont know when he would have said his first word, what it would have been. When do babies start walking and crawling? i dont know and unless I have a rainbow baby I dont want to know. Even when I will have missed - my first childs first steps; his first words - I sometimes think my rinbow baby is going to be something very special, they will never replace Isaac but boy - those firsts are going to be something very special.